I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Best friends brother. Beat that.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
