Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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