he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
