im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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