My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
