Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
