I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
