My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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