Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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