how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I believe in your delicious
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
