I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize