im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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