Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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