I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
