My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
