No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have fence marks all over my body
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
