i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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