Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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