nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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