I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
