My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
