Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
