I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize