This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There r osticjed everywhere
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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