theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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