Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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