Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
