if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
