His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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