Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
