we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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