Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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