Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
