i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
