So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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