so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
