her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
