Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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