the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
