It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
