got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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