accomplished twins. life is a go
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
