nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I look excited, but its just a facade.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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