My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
