The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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