I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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