Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
