your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
