His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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