I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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