Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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