I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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