Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
