I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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