I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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