it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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